Tuesday, 2 May 2006

Out copy #1
Mood:  not sure
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Topic: Story
Latest Copy of my story...comment if you want...



I sat in my room as I had done many times before. It was just Shane, my girlfriend, and me. We sat there like we did every day after school just to pass the time. Today would be the day. As we sat there she kissed me. I kissed her back. All of a sudden we started making out almost out of thin air. We started trying to undress each other. She almost had my pants off when my mother walked in. In the middle of our make out session my mother, Delilah, walked into my room to see how things went at school today. She was shocked and couldn’t believe what she saw. At that instant she ordered Shane to leave our house. I was unprepared for what came next. She then said if I ever want to see Shane again then she wasn’t allowed to come to our house after school. As she said those words I felt my heart break into a million little pieces.
After this incident I thought to tell my older sister, Robyn, my secret that would unravel our parent’s very fabric of time and space. Our parents were not the ones to come out to. Don’t get me wrong our parents aren’t homophobes well our step father was but that is beside the point. When she arrived that afternoon from work I pulled her aside. That is when I began to tell her of my afternoon and my deep secret that our half brother, Julian, already knew. I could see it in her face that she had no clue even though we went to the same school which I found kind of funny. I could understand why she didn’t know she had told me on my first day of school that I was never ever to speak to her.

That next day of school would be the worst in day in a long time. It couldn’t get any worse than me telling my girlfriend I wasn’t allowed to see her anymore. I honestly felt terrible trying to tell her as we walked to school. As we arrived I told her that my parents didn’t like us together and I told her I would still go out with her anyways. My parents don’t decide my relationships I do. If they don’t like it than they could fuck off or drop dead. Either of which was fine with me since I had my girl.

That night after I went home after school, my mother wanted to know how well Shane took our break up. I proceeded to tell her she took it well and said that we could still be friends. After I avoided that situation, I went to my room and found a razor blade. That is when I began to cut myself. Who knew why I cut I just did. At that time I realize that if my parents found out I cut myself on purpose then they would try to seek help for me. This is what I definitely didn’t want. This is when I began to contemplate suicide. I wanted to die. Why I was gay, I know no one else in my family was. I knew we are all supposed to be different but this was taking it to a new extreme. As I sat there on my bed trying to figure out how to kill myself, I then screamed into a pillow. “I don’t want to be gay! I want to be normal. Why am I different? Why couldn’t Sally Joe from down the block be gay not me.” At that moment my mother rushed in to see if I was ok. Just to get her away I told her everything was fine and to go away. “I don’t want to talk about it.” “Ok hun, I’ll be downstairs if you want to talk.” After my mother left I proceeded to cry myself to sleep which I had done often.

The next morning I began to tell Shane that I wanted to kill myself. Also that I cut myself last night wishing I wasn’t different. She then asked me if I wanted to skip school so we could talk. I said fine why not. We walked to Starbucks to get some coffee. We sat there and just talked about last night. “Hand over the razor blades” Shane said, “I can’t take the thought of you hurting yourself just to prove no point at all. I care about you too much to let you do something stupid like that.” “I understand but I can’t give you the blades since they are at my house and you aren’t allowed in there so”
I felt like I was alone one cold Sunday night, as I came out to my parents. My step father then told me get out the house or there would be severe consequences, if I did not do as I was told. My mother just sat on the couch and cried as if I just told her I was pregnant, which I wasn’t. Honestly I never thought my parents would be the ones who would kick a sixteen year old lesbian who had been hiding this for as long as I could remember. I felt like I was one those horror stories that you might hear on Oprah or Jerry Springer. I could see the headline now “Teen Kicked out for Step Father being a Homophobe.” I didn’t know where to go or what to do or even who I could trust anymore. I ran, just like I ran from all my other problems, but this was natural to me so I guess I just ran from my family. I had no money, car, or even a cell to call my friends. I was alone; no more alone then how I felt when I hadn’t told parents that I was a lesbian. Being alone in world full of hate towards gays is not really were I imagined myself at sixteen or that I would be kicked out at such a young age for what to me seemed natural. I guess I should’ve thought that my step father is a homophobe which is what made it hundred times harder to tell him. I believe my mother had some sort of idea at about ten when I told her I had a girlfriend. It was if my mother and I had a secret pact about how if she said nothing about it so would I, well at least towards my father. It was one of those I like you, you like me lets go out deals. It wasn’t serious; really I was ten I just wanted to be cool in elementary school. God, I miss those care free days of youth. When two people could like each other and they weren’t forced to go out on a date or even being pressured into being their girlfriend or boyfriend. I had no clue how my real father would react to the news but I figured it really didn’t matter since he hadn’t spoken to me in five years.
My real father, Charles, and I hadn’t spoken in at least five years. Last I heard he was living in Virginia with some chick he planned on marrying. Heather was her name if I remember it correctly. Last time I spoke to him he said he planned on proposing to her later that week. For some reason, I thought to call Charles up. I thought for a second he might be able to save me from this homophobic house. But not knowing where he lived or anything about him made it a little harder to find the man I longed to call dad.
As my mother sat there on the couch crying her eyes out it made me realize just how many nights I spent doing the same thing. Ever since I could remember I ended up crying myself to sleep as if that would change anything about who I was. Seeing my mother sitting there on the couch in the living room made me realize that I wish I could change that one thing in my life that made me different from everyone else. Then I remembered what they told us in elementary school about how everyone is different in their own way. It made me feel a little better but not completely.
I thought about what I heard at school from other friends and their coming out stories were bad but mine had to be the worst. I had trouble even thinking about why I should go to school. I also feared that my story had already spread to other peers in addition to my friends. Later that night after I came out, I decided to go to my girlfriend’s house. I knew my girlfriend, Shane, could help me through this situation. Also I knew that she already came out to her parents so they really wouldn’t have cared if I spent the night. I figured that my parents didn’t know about Shane so I could fly under the parental radar, well at least temporarily. It’s not like I was trying to cut them out of my life forever but long enough to get my act together. Then I happened to remember my little brother,
Julian, the snitch, I knew that our parents would pump him for information on where I was and he would tell as soon as they said no more video games.
It was then and there that I knew I had to go to Julian’s school tomorrow and tell him to forget about me and Shane if he wanted to live to see tomorrow. No matter how much trouble he could get in. I told him if they get mad at you then just to blame something on our sister, Robyn. My family was weird in the way that Julian and I would get in trouble then just blame Robyn for hitting Julian. Then my bother and I got off scotch free and basically did whatever we wanted. This means that I had to remind Julian to do something to piss our sister off then the focus would be on her and off of us for awhile.
After the two hour walk to Shane’s house, just to find out she wasn’t home. So I just hung out around her house until one of the neighbors called the police as someone loitering outside her house. I then had to talk the police down so that they wouldn’t take me back to my home on Hickam Air Force Base where my step father, Clive, and mother, Delilah, lived. I told them I live here and I forgot my key so I was locked out. I know you shouldn’t lie to a cop but it was better than my homophobic home. I didn’t have to wait long till her parents came home. I asked them then and there if I could spend the night and I told them that Shane and I had a project due first thing in the morning so we could work on it. Luckily they agreed to let me spend the night with my girlfriend.
While we were in her room we discussed my situation with my parents. She said that I probably shouldn’t have run away which I knew. I told her she was the first person on my list to go to. Then I asked her if she knew why. She hadn’t the clue. That is when I
kissed her and told her it was because she was my girl and I loved her. Guess who barges in right as I say that I loved her ……..her mother. Her mother just was shocked and just went on like she didn’t hear it. Next thing I knew I was to get out their house immediately or the cops were going to be called. That is when I asked isn’t like I can get Shane pregnant. Then her parents told me that having one lesbian in the house was their limit. They couldn’t handle anymore just Shane. As I was packing my stuff to leave, Shane said the three words I had hoped to hear in return. “I love you but my parents aren’t really comfortable with us being lesbians.” she said. I then proceeded to tell her I would see her in school tomorrow. As I was leaving her house, I asked if this would change things between us. She then wanted to know why this would change things. Honestly, I didn’t have an answer to this age old question.

At this point in my journey, I began to wonder why I came out to my parents in the first place. At that moment I realized that I came out to them hoping this would change things that would be said at the dinner table from now on. I began to wonder how many nights I sat through dinner answering their questions of my youth, as in did I like a certain boy at school or was I seeing a guy. It was during these questions that I would wonder what would happen to me if I said I was going out with Shane or if I came out to them at that moment. After dinner and chores, I would wonder up to my room and IM Shane about how my afternoon went.

I started walking towards the library. I seemed to think that the benches must be comfortable so let’s sleep there till morning when I could get up and go to school. But I was wrong very wrong. That night of sleep was the worst I had had in a long time. But luckily Shane got up early to come and drag me to school. As she dragged me to school, we talked about what had happen that past night with my step father and mother. But the worst was yet to come when I arrived at school with my girlfriend in toe. Everyone knew what happened to me that past night. I at that time I realized that there were several versions of my story being passed around. Most of the stories I heard were false. In the middle of fourth period, I was called to the teen center. I began to think of why I would be called down there. As I walked into the center, counselor comes up and hugs me. I subsequently found out that someone ratted me out to these people. I really didn’t want to talk about what happened I just want to fully make sure I wasn’t dreaming or something. If anything I want to talk to Shane and only Shane. She understood me better than even my mother.

Shane was my everything. She was my best friend, my accomplice in our many crimes, and my girlfriend. We had been best friends since eighth grade and still going strong. As we became better friends we figured out that we were basically in love with each other. We then proceeded to go out. We then got the name of the girls that could make anything work. We worked through Shane saying she was moving to Maine cause her parents didn’t like me. I believe to this day this was just to upset me or to get me to break up with Shane but that worked against them. From this moment on Shane and I would forever be known as the girls who could and would work through anything.

Posted by taktoa at 8:02 PM HDT

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